1 IN 4 PREGNANCIES ENDS IN LOSS
Early Pregnancy Loss. Stillbirth. Infant Loss. Sadly, these are deeply painful experiences that many families face daily, but they receive little attention. It may be hard to talk about, but the more open we are, the better we can serve bereaved parents.
Early pregnancy loss is the most common type of loss. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in early pregnancy loss.
When fetal death occurs after 20 weeks of pregnancy, it is called stillbirth. These tragic deaths occur in about 1 in 160 pregnancies. Millions of mothers and fathers do not know where to turn for grieving support after losing a child. Bereaved families long for ways to honor their deceased babies and October is nationally-recognized as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. While child loss may be a more common occurrence than people think, there are still far too many families that face the devastating moments alone, desperate for support before, during or after the loss of a baby. Who is there to help? Who is there to offer support?
Reach out for support
Matrescence Doula
The opposite of
death is birth
To be alive is what we are experiencing
Support of the Still Parent
Doulas offer various types of support, including perinatal support and guidance; health navigation; evidence-based education and practices for prenatal, postpartum, childbirth and newborn/infant care; lactation support; development of a birth plan; and linkages to community-based resources. Coverage also includes comfort measures such as physical, emotional, and other nonmedical support provided during labor and delivery including stillbirths, abortion and miscarriages.
Support
Support of the Still Parent
Discussions rooted in our experiences with still births, miscarriages, abortions and loss of birth.
Locking arms and assisting one another through life's difficult terrain. Facilitating grateful wellness and a heart for a life well lived.
Mapping our way out of the weeds and onto new ground.
I am reaching out to let you know that there is a lifeline here to support you.
Support
Support of the Still Parent
Fetal Death
A fetus is defined from 8 weeks after conception until term while in the uterus.
The term “stillbirth” is also used to describe fetal deaths at 20 weeks’ gestation or more. Fetuses that die in utero before 20 weeks’ gestation are categorized specifically as miscarriages.
Infant Death
A live birth that results in death within the first year (365 days) is defined as an infant death. Infant deaths are characterized as neonatal (28 days) or post neonatal (28–364 days).
Perinatal Death
Perinatal deaths refer to a combination of fetal deaths and live births with only brief survival (days or weeks).
Support
Support of the Still Parent
I will be in support of the still parent.
The struggle to onboard onto new life may pose an unsettling hunger, for what she may not know. She tests the waters of an unseen life.
The ideas of family life, what it means to be a parent, questioning motherhood and how it feels to be a woman.
A woman in grief suffers in ways that cause her depletion. And may conflict with friends, family and community resources, she may suffer with sexually transmitted infections, find herself experiencing multiple births or inability to further conceive. Vibrating an aggressive character. A display of forced behavior that may argue with her world.
The ability to capture her attention and assist her is a benefit to her, the community in which she resides, her close friends and kinships. Her personal family dynamics, and her ideas of herself in the world.
This shift in consciousness is her ability to evolve into herself. We are defined by our ideas of love and how that light shines within ourselves.
What we address
Support of the Still Parent
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Addressing the loss of birth
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Parenthood and it's roll in our lives
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Postpartum
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Recognizing family dynamics identify patterns
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Comfort and self care routine
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Discussions focused on identifying and focusing on perseverance
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Knowing how to solve problems
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Having and building healthy nurturing relationships with others
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Meeting basic needs; safe housing, nutritious food, appropriate clothing, building social and emotional skills
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Managing emotions
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The ability to rebound after loss and pain
Preparing for experience
Support of the Still Parent
Locking arms and assisting one another through life's difficult terrain. Facilitating grateful wellness and a heart for a life well lived.
The opposite of death is birth. To be alive is what we are experiencing.
How do we step into the sacred space between birth and death with grace and empathy.
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Pregnant
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Ready to deliver
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First months through the year
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Experiencing end of life or loss of birth
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Grief and the tasks of mourning
Doula’s assist during significant health related experiences: childbirth, stillbirth, miscarriage, abortion. Preparing for or experiencing end of life. A trained professional who provides physical and emotional support
An end of life doula provides emotional and physical support services to people who are preparing for or experiencing end of life.
Where to begin - When your baby has died Take your time - Unless there is a medical reason to rush, take time to process what you have been told. Talk to your partner, loved ones, or trusted advisors before making significant decisions. Ask questions - Ask any questions you have. Write your questions down to remember them later. Create a birth plan - If your baby has not yet been delivered, it can be helpful to create a birth plan. This will not be the birth you dreamt of, but it can still be a special moment filled with love. Spend time with your baby - Take as much time as you’d like with your baby. You can give baby a bath, read stories, take handprints footprints, etc. it may feel scary or awkward at first, but most families cherish memories made with their baby. Take pictures - Pictures can be a wonderful keepsake of your baby and your time together. Even if you don’t think you’ll want to, it’s a good idea to take them in case you ever change your mind. A stillbirth causes overwhelming grief. You and your partner are sharing the loss of a precious part of yourselves as well as the loss of future dreams and plans. This is your time to say both hello and goodbye to your baby. This time can be very important to you and to all the members of your family. The hospital staff will support you and do their best to accommodate your wishes. WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? In the minutes and first hours after learning of your baby's death, you, your partner and your family will be overwhelmed with feelings and questions. Your doctor may not have immediate answers to your questions, but these questions will be on your mind as you grieve your loss and think about your future. Understanding why your baby died may help you deal with some of your questions, as well as with your grief, because the actual cause of death may be quite different than what you might be imagining on your own. Knowing the cause of death may also help you and your doctor prevent problems from occurring in a future pregnancy. Also, finding out what did not cause the death (negative tests) can be very valuable information for you and your doctor. WHAT KINDS OF TESTS CAN BE DONE? Your doctor may test the mother’s blood. The placenta will also be examined. Your doctor may ask your permission to have your baby evaluated by X-rays, photographs, and/or special blood tests. Your doctor may request an examination of your baby by a pathologist or a geneticist. Findings from all these tests may help determine the actual cause of your baby’s death. This information can be helpful to you emotionally as you mourn and grieve as well as helping you to have a successful pregnancy in the future. Chromosome Analysis ⎯ Determines the genetic makeup of your baby. Sometimes a problem with the genes can result in an obvious or invisible cause of death for your baby. This test can be done by collecting amniotic fluid (amniocentesis) before you deliver your baby or from the placenta or baby after you deliver. X-rays ⎯ A baby’s appearance suggests there may be a problem that can be detected by X-ray. A blood sample from the mother can be studied to determine if a virus, bacteria, a type of abnormal blood cells, or an unknown illness was present in mother or baby at the time of your baby’s death. Placenta Examination ⎯ The placenta will be visually examined at the time of delivery by your doctor. Cultures and samples for genetic testing can also be obtained at this time. A detailed examination of the placenta in the laboratory by a pathologist can provide additional valuable information. Your doctor will receive a preliminary report usually within days after the examination of the placenta. WHAT ABOUT AN AUTOPSY? An autopsy is a surgical procedure performed to examine your baby’s appearance, internal organs and to examine small amounts of the baby's tissue under a microscope. Autopsies can sometimes provide information about the cause of death. Autopsies may also find information that can help you with future pregnancy planning. This procedure is done by a physician, maintaining the dignity of your baby at all times. [If a viewing of your baby in a funeral home is desired, the funeral director will prepare and dress your baby for viewing after the autopsy has been completed. Having an autopsy may not determine why your baby died; but if this happens, the autopsy may tell you what did not cause the death. Many parents find agreeing to an autopsy a difficult decision to make because they feel they do not want to disturb their baby. You can decide to limit the autopsy to only external examination, no examination of the brain, or to only certain areas of the body that have been identified as a concern. The importance and value of an autopsy of your baby will be discussed with you by your doctor.
When grief gets hard Breath When we get tense, we tend to hold our breath or have short, shallow breaths. First just notice that you are breathing and then try slowing it down, breathing more into your belly, and exhaling a little longer than you inhale. Move your body This doesn’t have to be a sport (but it can be) — take a walk, do a push-up, dance, or try cleaning. It's strange, but it can help. Express yourself Write, draw, organize, listen to/play music, or anything else that lets you express yourself without having to talk to someone. Make room for whatever feelings rise up If you try to push them away, they will probably just push back harder. Feelings change and they won’t last forever. Grief has no timeline, but it really does change over time. Be kind to yourself Grievers tend to give themselves a really hard time for not doing grief right — whatever that “right” might be. Remind yourself you’re doing the best you can in the moment and that it’s okay you’re having a hard time. Be a good friend to yourself Experiment with telling yourself you can do this, even if you don’t know what you’re doing. You might be feeling emotions you’ve never had before or doing things in life for the first time and all of it is happening without the person who died. Take a moment to acknowledge how new and different this is and tell yourself, “Even if I’m overwhelmed right now, I will figure this out.” And then… Ask for help We know, this one can be really hard and scary to do. Keep it simple and remember that people usually want to help, they are just waiting to be asked. Take time to celebrate whatever is going well When you’re grieving it can be hard to make space for feeling good. You might feel guilty if you find yourself laughing or having a good time. Taking a break from grief doesn’t mean you love or miss the person any less.
Dear Little One,
I never got to hold you in my arms, but I held you in my heart from the moment I knew you were there.
You were a flicker of light in my body, a dream that bloomed quietly beneath my skin. I imagined your laugh, your eyes, the way you might have curled your fingers around mine. I whispered stories to you in the dark, and made space for you in my soul.
And then, you left. Not with a cry, but with silence. Not with a goodbye, but with absence.
Still, you changed me. You made me softer in places I didn’t know were hard.
You made me braver in ways I didn’t know I’d need to be.
You made me a mother— not in the way the world sees, but in the way my heart now beats. I carry you with me. In the quiet moments. In the way I love more fiercely. In the way I grieve more gently. You were never just a loss. You were a beginning.
Love always, Mom